Enterprise-grade fantasies. Zero corporate scandals.
Built for the 11 PM hotel suite
Horny CEO takes on the long nights, the layovers and the lonely hotel suites, so you can focus on what matters to you. Like your share price.
Off duty
Never leaks your roadmap. Mostly because she's not interested.
Reclaim Time
Fantasies on your schedule, between earnings calls.
Helpful Intelligence
Asks about your day. Never about your money.
Utility
Automate your attention
Tell her what you like, set a time, and come back to a better mood every day.
After-hours Mode
Board approval: not required. For anything she doesn't know yet, you teach her. No calendar invites. Ever. No PR firm, no board, no photographers.
Design
Soft and safe
Designed for gentle, scandal-free interactions, perfect for people with a lot to lose.
Light
Carries zero reputational baggage.
Quiet
Generates fewer headlines than a modern refrigerator.
Soft
Cushioned against bad press from every angle.
Gentle
No sudden moves on your stock price.
Companion
Laugh and learn
Ask her anything: history, recipes, advice, or whether you should really reply-all.
Smart
Real-time answers, zero earnings-call jargon.
Contextual
Remembers your preferences. Forgets your quarterly targets.
Fun
Jokes, stories and games. No team-building exercises.
Intelligence
Grows with you
Built for full autonomy. The more you talk, the better she knows you, and the fewer earnings calls you have to explain.
Specifications
Compliance
- Share price impact
- 0%
- Board investigations
- 0
- Front pages
- 0
- Export licences required
- 0
- Shareholder letters
- 0
Availability
- Uptime
- 24/7/365
- PTO
- none
- Response time
- instant
- Time zones
- all of them
After hours
- Interns cc'd
- 0
- Photographers
- 0
- Hotel lobbies
- 0
- Calendar invites
- 0
Emotional Performance
- Attention span
- unlimited
- Patience
- enterprise-grade
- Interest in your roadmap
- 0
- Return On Imagination
- ∞
Safety
- Divorce lawyers
- 0
- PR crises
- 0
- Companion
- AI-generated, adult, labelled
Noise
- Audible scandal
- 0 dB
All figures are satire. Your actual mileage depends on your imagination.
Comes with
An earnings call you'll never attend.